Toothpaste For Dinner archives (by month):
2010: jan . : . feb . : . mar
2009: jan . : . feb . : . mar . : . apr . : . may . : . jun . : . jul . : . aug . : . sep . : . oct . : . nov . : . dec
2008: jan . : . feb . : . mar . : . apr . : . may . : . jun . : . jul . : . aug . : . sep . : . oct . : . nov . : . dec
2007: jan . : . feb . : . mar . : . apr . : . may . : . jun . : . jul . : . aug . : . sep . : . oct . : . nov . : . dec
2006: jan . : . feb . : . mar . : . apr . : . may . : . jun . : . jul . : . aug . : . sep . : . oct . : . nov . : . dec
2005: jan . : . feb . : . mar . : . apr . : . may . : . jun . : . jul . : . aug . : . sep . : . oct . : . nov . : . dec
2004: jan . : . feb . : . mar . : . apr . : . may . : . jun . : . jul . : . aug . : . sep . : . oct . : . nov . : . dec
2010: jan . : . feb . : . mar
2009: jan . : . feb . : . mar . : . apr . : . may . : . jun . : . jul . : . aug . : . sep . : . oct . : . nov . : . dec
2008: jan . : . feb . : . mar . : . apr . : . may . : . jun . : . jul . : . aug . : . sep . : . oct . : . nov . : . dec
2007: jan . : . feb . : . mar . : . apr . : . may . : . jun . : . jul . : . aug . : . sep . : . oct . : . nov . : . dec
2006: jan . : . feb . : . mar . : . apr . : . may . : . jun . : . jul . : . aug . : . sep . : . oct . : . nov . : . dec
2005: jan . : . feb . : . mar . : . apr . : . may . : . jun . : . jul . : . aug . : . sep . : . oct . : . nov . : . dec
2004: jan . : . feb . : . mar . : . apr . : . may . : . jun . : . jul . : . aug . : . sep . : . oct . : . nov . : . dec
after graduating college, i had a variety of awful jobs like working in a can factory, and whenever i felt bad, i would keep my spirits high by remembering: well, at least i'm not in grad school
man, i miss being in college...living in the ghetto, hanging out with a bunch of cargo pants, the crushing desperation of having to do elaborate busywork for pseudointellectual sycophants... those were glorious days
my fellow laborers, remember: a small donation to your local authorities will ensure that when the terror threat level rises to red and we go to martial law, your workplace will be closed
after an exhaustive study we have concluded that the only way to improve the classic flip-flop sandal is by renaming it to something more evocative of its grandeur ladies and gentlemen, i present to you...THE FLAP-FLAP!!
if you don't like the way i segway GET OUT OF THE HALLWAY
whenever anyone i know wants to "jam" i take a drum machine over to their house, press start, and go sit down for two hours the jam session was a success
so, how did you like college oh, i didn't think much of classes so you were more into the environment of learning then? no, mostly the holidays, and the graduation
waaah wah some people wonder when i became bitter and angry and the answer is: when my application to play muted trumpet in the junior high marching band was rejected
i would recommend the double almond cloaca i hate to sound racist, but i hate going to the coffee shop when that damn komodo dragon is working
drew's rule of grandparents: the meanest ones always live the longest
BRUSH TEETH BEFORE SPITTING IN FOOD
WHAT NON-CELL PHONE USERS DON'T KNOW myah myah myah MICROPHONE IS WEAK: PLEASE TALK LOUDLY INTO IT
crunch crunch shake shake than you for picking through my can of mixed nuts and eating all the pecans, hazelnuts, and almonds. if it weren't for you, i would be doomed to eat a confusing melange of nuts, rather than a half-full tin of greasy peanuts
THIS DAY IN CHEMISTRY HISTORY: 1952: sensing a lack of hilarity in the field, the english chemist p. walter henries renames the little rubber scraper that attaches to a stirring rod a "rubber policeman"
my legs are slightly shorter than average, so i can never find pants that fit after i lost some weight a while ago i was pleased to discover that not only did pants still not fit me, but neither did shirts
to make your apartment more lively, try adding one or two bears in the living room as an accent
lightning bugs: too slow to resist catching, yet too bitter to eat more than a handful at one sitting
every summer i buy boxes and boxes of snakes, but am too embarrassed to admit i like them in front of other people, so i hide them and sneak out here and there to set off a bunch of them
i like my coffee like i like my women autistic
middle fingers FOR EVERYONE!!! WHOOOOOSHHH
i am not only the president of the beard of the month club... i am also the vice president
well, the gipper's finally passed on, it's the end of an era the bombing will begin in five minutes
ANOTHER GREAT IDEA TURNED CRAPPY: i went to three grocery stores looking for hardwood chips to put in the grill, found some hickory, and cooked three steaks, only to find out that hickory-smoked steak just tastes like beef jerky
MEAN SCRABBLE GUY shink shink WATCH OUT, YOU MAY BE HIS NEXT VICTIM
shink shink shink the other day while i was at the coffee shop i happened upon the scrabble club one guy would shake the bag of tiles violently as he stared at his opponent to intimidate them, even the nine-year-old who appeared to be his son
why do they call it labor day if you just spend the whole day going through the trash of the girl who works at the video store
HAMSTER i have exciting news! after watching the democratic national convention, i have decided to rechristen your cage the "free speech zone"!!
that was excellent! okay, now it's your turn to stand here for twenty minutes while i talk to you about my own medical problems
every REM album of the past ten years has been "hi, i'm michael stipe, i am going to sing you a sea shanty about how sad and bald i am" caaaaalllll me a leperrrr
you look down, partner, whatcha thinkin' about oh, i'm not sad, i was just thinking about making drawings on an orange using a magnifying glass to focus sunlight and burn it when people at work ask me what i'm thinking about, i like to tell them exactly what i am thinking about
Toothpaste For Dinner archives (by month):
2010: jan . : . feb . : . mar
2009: jan . : . feb . : . mar . : . apr . : . may . : . jun . : . jul . : . aug . : . sep . : . oct . : . nov . : . dec
2008: jan . : . feb . : . mar . : . apr . : . may . : . jun . : . jul . : . aug . : . sep . : . oct . : . nov . : . dec
2007: jan . : . feb . : . mar . : . apr . : . may . : . jun . : . jul . : . aug . : . sep . : . oct . : . nov . : . dec
2006: jan . : . feb . : . mar . : . apr . : . may . : . jun . : . jul . : . aug . : . sep . : . oct . : . nov . : . dec
2005: jan . : . feb . : . mar . : . apr . : . may . : . jun . : . jul . : . aug . : . sep . : . oct . : . nov . : . dec
2004: jan . : . feb . : . mar . : . apr . : . may . : . jun . : . jul . : . aug . : . sep . : . oct . : . nov . : . dec
2010: jan . : . feb . : . mar
2009: jan . : . feb . : . mar . : . apr . : . may . : . jun . : . jul . : . aug . : . sep . : . oct . : . nov . : . dec
2008: jan . : . feb . : . mar . : . apr . : . may . : . jun . : . jul . : . aug . : . sep . : . oct . : . nov . : . dec
2007: jan . : . feb . : . mar . : . apr . : . may . : . jun . : . jul . : . aug . : . sep . : . oct . : . nov . : . dec
2006: jan . : . feb . : . mar . : . apr . : . may . : . jun . : . jul . : . aug . : . sep . : . oct . : . nov . : . dec
2005: jan . : . feb . : . mar . : . apr . : . may . : . jun . : . jul . : . aug . : . sep . : . oct . : . nov . : . dec
2004: jan . : . feb . : . mar . : . apr . : . may . : . jun . : . jul . : . aug . : . sep . : . oct . : . nov . : . dec